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July 2009



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Jul. 17th, 2009

Why Don't You Dance?


Here is Vigen singing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h893zewNdQw Something about his voice is so sexy. Hey! It can't hurt!

There is this Persian song with a title that makes clear sense to me "Chere Nemiraghsi" and it means, "Why Don't You Dance." I love the Persian musician Vigen.

I adore him, Bijan Moratavi, Aref, amongst others.

I also have a fondness for Persian films including but not limited to: The Color of Paradise, Children of Heaven, Leila, The Fifth Reaction, The White Balloon. They are poignant and sad.

Oh! And Soltane Ghalba meaning King of Hearts.

I have been listening to a musician named Fazil Say lately and -- it is so energetic.

Music is sucking me in from all directions and sometimes I prefer it to food or other forms of stimulation. I went walking listening to Korobeiniki, Toccata by Bach in a somewhat techno form, and the mix on my iPod shuffle and it is so relaxing.

If you go to www.MP3raid.com you will find a wide selection of songs for free. Check it out!

Aug. 2nd, 2008

(no subject)

I don't feel like sleeping but I should. It's 4:04 am. My aunt's coming in the morning. I've been on the internet far too long. I really wanted to watch Dark Knight but I usually stay at home Friday nights for dinner with my family. I'm Jewish and we keep the Sabbath. My parents are generally opposed to my going out beyond 6 pm which is ridiculous. I feel very overprotected. I still need my driver's license but no one wil drive with me. It's not a fun situation. Plus, my head feels like it's going to explode because I cannot see Jack very much anymore. I am technically not allowed to date him with any seriousness because he's not a Jew, he's an Atheist. Is love, not love? I wish they understood that I loved him and it did not matter. But they say it will tear apart our family if I marry him. He's the only person I like. I do not feel attracted to anyone else. I'm solely involved with him. I am really attracted to him.

My parents take Judaism very seriously. I still don't know how I feel about it and whether it affects my decisions concerning who I choose to marry. I feel very unassertive because I am constantly dictated towards and not spoken to and asked of my opinions. It's all, silence or positive emotion. That's like an unspoken rule here.

I really need my license, not to be repetitive, but rather for emphasis. It's my one way of attaining partial freedom, if I do not have the choice to move out of whatever else. I would like to live with Jack but that's not a possibility right now (even though he's suggested it before). It would drive my parents up the wall.

I feel as if I cannot rebel against them without them taking it extremely seriously and taking the blame for what I do. They feel as if they've raised me badly if I take on Westernized ideals and choose to live with my boyfriend and marry someone outside of our ethnic background. It's a closed family system. It's difficult to live in as a second generation American. I had no idea I had so much on my mind before I started writing. My fingers just wrote this all. No wonder I am still awake.

Jul. 20th, 2008

(no subject)

I had a huge slice of pizza yesterday with mushrooms and "Dirty" cracked pepper and sea salt chips. Today I went to this Chinese buffet style place and ate a ton.

I have no idea how my weight has been dropping but somehow I've approached the 120 lb mark and I was way heavier a few months ago.

I want to get down to 110 really badly. 5'5" 110 hot little toothpick girl!

I have a fast metabolism so it's not impossible and I'd still eat reasonably well.

Tomorrow me and the family are going to New Hampshire on a weeklong trip. We're staying in these cabins by a lake. With tons of mousquitos. Ouch! I hope they don't bite my skin.

Jul. 14th, 2008

(no subject)

I feel so uptight. Yeaaaah. I'm so going to complain to my psychiatrist and force her to give me a barrage of pills.

The prescription she gave me last week was bloody expensive! I can't afford this but I would like to live a more productive life -- and that is something you can't quantitatively frame in terms of a certain digit of dollars, it's not a monetary worth.

You can't take back time and wish you had been happier when you were young and had the freedom to be so.

I've been this way -- for the most part since I was about sixteen, which escalated in severity.

I wonder what I will be like in ten years, whether any of this will even matter then.

Is this all worthless? Do I actually have anything to complain about?

Today I visited my great grandmother and she was telling me of all the blessings I have in my life. It makes me sad. To be disappointed, dissatisfied, and still sad despite all that I have. I feel like I have no right to be this way.

Lately, I cover it up. I smile. And laugh. But it's all fake.

And I feel horribly selfish and avoidant and stupid for doing this. And not caring much. And not fully appreciating things.

I don't know. I don't exactly take people for granted. I really care about them but it's like I stay away from them.

Just scared of being around people.

I feel like they're see right through me but they seem to be fooled by my act instead.

I've been stealing like a motherfucking convict lately. I feel like if I get caught I'll just cry until they think I'm mentally ill and will let me go.

Why do I want to sabotage? Why do I want someone to pity me?

I don't know? It's comforting in a sense to be taken care of.

To be found. Revealed.

I'm very secretive so if someone knew it's almost comforting.

Sickly sweet. Deceptively sweet, obsessively sick. That's me.

How can I not have compassion? Why do I steal other's belongings without giving it a second thought? Why am I such a selfish greedy bitch?

I just wish someone would pay attention to me and somebody cared. I guess it's a quality that's inherent to human beings, it's a matter of socialization -- totally normal. However, I have it to an extreme.

Sometimes I watch people and I see people that are awkward and I feel like they mirror me and I begin to self-loathe. I just feel hideously ugly. I really am afraid people are repulsed by me sometimes. Repulsed by my mannerisms, appearance, voice, etc.

It's a fear I have. That I am close to someone and they may pretend to like me, but deep down they find me completely inferior, contemptible, unworthy, idiotic, uninteresting, despicable, to them and think I'm someone they can use as a doormat and just walk all over me while still pretending to like me.

I don't know. I wish people were honest and genuine and well-intentioned as I am when I form friendships but people are taught by society to put on acts of politeness and civility so you never know what people are really putting forth.

Jul. 1st, 2008

(no subject)

I think I got fired or ... euphemism (suspended) from my babysitting/nannying job.

The other week I was really sick with the flu, stomach virus and was so nauseous and dizzy and should not have been caring for a six month old baby boy.

Anyhow, the people filed a complaint report against me.

I was so disoriented. I didn't change the baby's diaper for seven hours and -- I neglected the baby because I was so sick, that I didn't have normal considerations and didn't utilize common sense.

I threw up at their house. Horrible.

I am angry that I lost the job because I was really sick and it was out of my control and I would get paid 15 dollars an hour which I really need.

Pisses me off. The end.

Jun. 29th, 2008

i should sleep soon.

so i ended up going on kingda ka! it was fucking awesome. i was like, "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god." hahah. it goes up 495 ft at a speed of about 128 miles per hour.

i hung out with jack today -- tentatively.

i seriously think i will marry him. we were talking about the future. i was like, "at what age would you like kids?"

we get along so well.

i love him more than you could imagine.

i reeeaaally love him.

he wants to live with me so that we can see each other on a daily basis.

he says, "while we may not be entirely happy with each other all of the time, you're a great comfort to me."

and today he wrote me a message after we hung out that he really enjoyed seeing me because i was animated and enthusiastic and that i was genuinely happy and looked different and carried myself differently.

he's like, "you look so beautiful when you're happy."

he makes me so happy.

he's so handsome!

he wants to go running with me and all this other stuff.

he always says that he loves my stomach and my legs. stomach because it's "flat" -- everyone says i have an extremely flat stomach, ha hah. and legs becaue they are nice and toned and defined.

this relationship just feels stable like it will be there forever.

Jun. 15th, 2008

(no subject)


One word: El Toro

I went to Great Adventure today with my younger brother.

We went on that fucking roller coaster twice.

I was screaming my head off.

I've been getting so burnt.

I have really never gone on roller coasters in my life, because I was terrified by them.

Now I'm still partially terrified but at least I ride them.

One step of the way there.

I really liked Batman and Superman though. They were sort of chill and calming.

This is off-topic but I left my drugs/meds/Lexapro at my grandma's house.

I just need four pills until I see psychie again, but it's like $25 even if I buy it at a place like Walmart (which I reluctantly shop at) but for shit! Why so expensive?

My head's so fucking discombobulated right now, I'm seeing stars.

El Toro disconnected my head. Dislocated my brain. It was so bizarre. The record setting wooden ride.

Kingda Ka looks extremely freakish. Extreme 180 degree angle drop.

It looks nuts. I didn't ride on it but I just watched in horror.

Jun. 13th, 2008

(no subject)

argh. i feel so depressed and jack has not been talking to me. my lexapro is not working and i realize it's not a magic bullet but i've been crying my face off everyday. everyone here at my aunt's house say i've gotten so skinny but it's like i just feel sad and lost my appetite.

Jun. 11th, 2008

(no subject)

So I went to the psychiatrist this morning who lives about 11 miles away and she gave me Lexapro.

Approximate equivalent dosages of SSRIs:
citalopram 20mg
escitalopram 5 mg
fluoxetine 20mg
paroxetine 20mg
sertraline 50mg

Escitatopram is Lexapro. I have a 10 mg dosage. Despite the low dosage it's supposedly very effective and potent.

I'm going to be seeing her next week too. June 18th at 10 am.

Jun. 7th, 2008

Good Looks

i really dislike the growing emphasis on good looks as a factor for success. fuck society. seriously. don't hire someone because their outsides don't look as good as their insides. if you could turn all these conventionally drug addicted fuckers insider out. these unhealthy "ideal" prototypical beautiful people you would see how ugly they were.

let's play opposite day and turn their bodies inside out.

the "ugly" or plain people who are good-hearted and kind would become as beautiful as they are inside and the pretty people who are miserable and selfish and the least compassionate flagrant fucks alive would be tarnished and black and scarred and grotesquely disgusting and unable to even look at for more than a second inside.

--- yeah. that ends my rant.

Here's an article which supports my statement:

Jin Taek Lee from Korea

From the time I was a child, I have been told that good looks are not important, that the important thing is inner beauty. But as I grow older, I am beginning to feel good looks are a very important factor for success.

Maybe most people think they can get jobs because they are very smart or have special skills, but according to an article that was published in Korean newspapers, the common point for newly-hired employees is that they are good-looking. Since that article was published, cosmetic surgery has come to be a hit among graduating seniors in Korea.

Why do the big companies choose the good-looking man? When they were asked this question, one official at a large, well-known company said most people tended to relate the company's image to the employee's image, so to give a good image of their company, they had to choose a good-looking person.

I think this shows how important good looks are nowadays. If people are not good-looking, they don't find jobs as easily. If they don't find jobs, they can't marry, have a house, or have a car. So, in my opinion, good looks are very important in modern life.

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