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Jun. 7th, 2008

Number Patterns.

So I have this thing for number patterns (sort of an OCD). I can easily pick out number patterns in whatever I see. Lately, I find myself getting fixated on numbers, months -- syntax how things are arranged the form of the number. It's really weird. I like how numbers look. I can't get past that. And I can take them apart and do mental math and ... play with them like legos.

I looked something up on Wikipedia about the date June 28th, 2008 (because it stood out to me -- I think it's my favorite date in the calendar) and this is what I found:

June 28 is the 179th day of the year (180th in leap years --which we are in, currently) in the Gregorian calendar. There are 186 days remaining until the end of the year.

In common years it is always in ISO week 26.

This date is the only date each year where both the month and day are different perfect numbers.

June 28th basically splits the year in half. What I find especially interesting is the last part. Both the day and the year are perfect numbers meaning that the factors added together equal the original number.

6 = 1+2+3

Even perfect numbers
Euclid discovered that the first four perfect numbers are generated by the formula 2n−1(2n − 1):

for n = 2: 21(22 − 1) = 6
for n = 3: 22(23 − 1) = 28

I have no idea why, but it's really interesting to me. Numbers.

Since any even perfect number has the form 2n−1(2n − 1), it is a triangular number, and, like all triangular numbers, it is the sum of all natural numbers up to a certain point; in this case: 2n − 1. Furthermore, any even perfect number except the first one is the sum of the first 2(n−1)/2 odd cubes.

Ive officially lost it!

Jun. 6th, 2008

by powers of observation the senses becomes tools

This is a bird I passed in the woods the other day while biking. It's called a Cooper Hawk and it's local to New Jersey. It took me a while to identify the bird, but it also takes process of elimination. It is a bird of prey (not one of those cute little nonpredatory birds), it had these flaming red eyes, and it had brown feathers, and these little cuffs over its legs. It was so weird looking. I asked a passerby what it could be and she said it may be a "turkey vulture." Not quite. It's a Cooper Hawk. I moved in close to it to see what it was eating (a nice squirrel carcass) and it did not move, nor flinch, it just looked at me and snatched the flesh piece by piece, you could hear a noise akin to a tendon being ripped out of a human body by a cannibal eagerly consuming it's final meal before leaving for weeks of famine and encrusted gloom.

(no subject)

me and my super science pin:

yes, a solid 128 lbs dressed in gothic garb. yeeeeah. suits my mood.

unibrow looks like i'm 12 meek smile me. hahah.

dazed as ever:

i look incredibly masculine here and i also look like i'm going to kill someone. ah hah hah.

shower shower shower inappropriate. hahah!

i'm going to run outside. and read "breaking patterns of depression" somewhere in the sun.

i might go to great adventure on sunday with my younger brother who really wants me to ride on roller coasters with him.

which i'm terrified of but think i will go on with some prodding from him.

he's way too patient with me. i sometimes just feel so horrible for being depressed and indifferent around him. he is still loyal to me. i cry all of the time around him and others and i hate how this affects other people -- especially those close to me how i love. and i do not like seeing burdened by this and it just really bothers me that my 13 year old brother has to seen this on a regular basis. he's so optimistic and tries to make the best of every situation and he is good hearted and tries to be happy but at the same time is compassionate and feels sad when i am sad. it really hurts him. he is very compassionate.

i have no idea why he loves me so much.

i have a feeling i won't see jack until next week since i saw him on wednesday but i really want to see him on saturday.

i am afraid of abandonment sometimes, that i'll do one thing wrong and suddenly he'll never want to see me again. i have such irrational fears.

i want to move on from this so i'm planning to see a psychiatrist soon. i really want to take injectable medication because i am pill averse but i have no idea what will happen.

i want to feel like i can move on from myself and help other people, befriend other people, study new topics, be engaged, interact normally.

when i'm sick none of that happens nor is it a possibility. i can superficially but it just does not feel right. something always feels like it's missing, out of place, fifth wheel.

Jun. 5th, 2008

help me i'm sick

I have no idea what to do. I feel so sick. Like a schizophrenic depressive. I can't explain why but I just do.

I don't feel like I'm going to make it through this month alive. I'm drowning in feeling sick.

I just feel so depressed and confused and disoriented and crying all of the time and tense and agitated and terrified of the world and unable to handle things and obsessive and like I'm going insane.

My head should detach itself.

I hung out with Jack yesterday. I feel bad because I was stiff and sad and tired and -- he still said he loved me and that I was beautiful. I feel bad that he hangs out with me sometimes. We went to see an opera version of Alice in Wonderland. It was eerie.

Lately, my self-confidence has really plummeted a great deal from the low it already was and I can't face myself, the world, make simple decisions that other people so easily make, I hate myself, can't stand how I look, my head just hurts.

May. 27th, 2008

Photo Entry

He's nine inches taller than me.

5'5" -- 6'2"

He is so handsome:

Hottie with the body:

May. 26th, 2008

(no subject)

I spent time with Jack today in New York City. We went to Wave Hill among other places, including his apartment (which though I turned 22 today I am technically not permitted to go to -- parents' sadistic orders which I work against somehow sadly and secretively which makes me paranoid and uncomfortable but they do not understand how much we like each other).

My parents actively prohibit me from going to houses of members of the opposite sex regardless of whether they are merely friends, or anything more or less. They have a weird brand of cynicism. They view people in an extremely paranoid world view as if they are knife wielding axe murder rapists. Being a tight knit family which isolates and prevents contract with "outsiders," we are totally antisocial. They seem to feel as if I'm some street walking fucking whore who sleeps around with drunken bums who is irresponsible as fuck and needs to be condescendingly be told what to do until I'm so soft, passive, compliant, and subdued I can no longer ask for anything because that would be selfish, indulgent, and greedy in their eyes. Or as if they think they have to beat some sense into me because mine ain't so common.

No! I'm none of the above. I fucking got A's in my major classes and I've been extremely nerdy if anything lately. Studious. Alone. Cautious. Easily Startled. Hypervigilant. Motivated To Succeed Against The Odds Of My Mood.

As a side note, I'm also not allowed to stay out beyond a certain time, or go out beyond a certain time (not when it's dark out, etc). I have a strict curfew, which most people just do not understand. Adult children living with their parents, under their rooftop are undoubtedly restricted. They treat this as a contract. Contractual deal. Come home at this time or we will file a missing person report on your ass or become greatly disappointed with you. Outraged, cry over spilled milk -- it can be fixed, "No, we are angry with you." It really makes me feel more shame than I can possibly pin on one shoulder.

I can't work against their rules, nor compromise with them. It's something that's fixed and stagnant and I can't exactly work against. One more thing is that I have to marry a Jew, which I don't really want anymore but I can't tell my parents otherwise. And another issue is that I do not have my driver's license and I feel sick about this. (sure Einstein didn't either, but I am bereft of the genius needed to compensate for this lack of a mundane ability. The road freaks me out, that is all). But this heavily restrict my independence and it's something I feel greatly insecure about revealing to people. I have my permit but not my license. It's awkward.

I just have been feeling very issuey (not to mention that I have an OCD -- food, numbers) I have been eating less and I feel weird about eating. Numbers I obsess about and fixate on number series, I have no idea why but it's extremely obsessive.

So back to the first tangent, the funny thing is that my family lineage is Persian and Jewish and I'm sure we are generally discriminated against (whether it be active or tacit). People are afraid of us. But we are also afraid of them. I don't know how to explain it but like, when I tell people that my family is from Iran they sort of shudder. I have begun to tell them my parents are from Israel.

People sort of pick up that I have an accent. I'm bilingual (Farsi/English, and a bit of French) so they immediately ask. And "Iran" sounds a bit severe.

I realized today I'm very scarce on friends. Jack is my one friend. My one friend who I can be honest with and see on a regular basis. And boyfriend. Other than people here, who note me regularly (which I genuinely appreciate, I look to your comments with such a sense of awe) it just makes me happy to see people noting with such frequency.

Onto other issue laden tangents, I have been feeling extremely ugly lately. Just like really ugly. Regardless of wearing makeup, regardless of pretty clothes. Ugly. Frumpy. Unattractive and whatever. Feeling this way, is a self-fulfilling prophecy that makes me insecure and far less likely to find friends.

I feel like no one knows me. It's not like I talk to them. When I am talkative people still get the impression that I am quiet (and therefore, weird) and when I try to be friendly (I feel fake, because I can actually be very stern and dour), then when I am open (I am more often open with friends than family, because I don't care as much what they think), when I am happy and bubbly, people still think I'm sad.

Maybe I don't give them the chance to know me. I can be ridiculously self-conscious sometimes. Uptight. Tense. Nervous. High Strung. Not natural.

I hate being "mysterious" and I get pissed off when people think I'm "sad," or "quiet," even though I put off those vibes. It pisses me off that people don't understand me. That sounds really self-indulgent but I just wish they could break into me and figure out these incomprehensible abstractions that lurk beneath me. I'm a freak because I'm extremely private and secretive. My heaps of introversion snowball on one another and builds like lavish, inpenetrable spider webs. I can be warm and sociable but I feel trapped inside myself still.

Regardless, I am still myself. And I have sort of been a disoriented mold of myself. Self-consciousness has taken over my being.

May. 24th, 2008

(no subject)

Thanks for the responses to my last entry.

How much of an affect do parents have on their children? Is it right to feel victimized by parents?

I've adopted the views of authoritarian parents. I don't like feeling bad for myself for no reason. In fact, I would really like to be happy.

My parents are extremely uptight. They make me hellbent nervous, more so than I am already inclined to be. They're always on edge and never happy and the result it that I'm on edge and rarely happy.

My dad has anger issues -- he scapegoats me a lot. My mom -- we sort of have a history. I'm very rule bound by them and living under their roof top and their rules which read like contracts by them is not easy.

Now I don't want to blame them (it's my fault for not moving out and not gaining trust and not having enough money and resources to move) I've been babysitting but I need a lot more money to move out.

I'm nearly twenty-two. 22! That's a ripe age. I just really dislike their authoritative control. They're really rough on me. I cry all of the time around them. I try not to but it happens anyway.

Sadly, I just have learned to not feel good about very much. About anything really. I feel so robotic around people.

When I tell them, they make me feel bad, and try to be direct with them they tell me I deserve it or that I am not capable of making my own decisions.

I tell them that they don't allow me to make my own decisions and therefore I am indecisive but they just don't seem to care and won't let go of me. I'm writhing like a mouse trying to get out of the firm hold/grip of a hawk.

They're not this way with my younger sister even. My younger sister is sort of a bitch.

A bitch who can get away with things.

I'm honest. I feel vulnerable around them. They can sense my vulnerability like a shark can smell blood in the water.

It just tramples on me.

I wonder what it would be like to have had encouraging parents. Would I have been so severely depressed?

I doubt I would know how to respond to such encouraging parents, after having discouraging erratic conflicting ones. It would be too much sugar for my diabetic, unloved body to handle.

On the bright side ...

I'm seeing Jack tomorrow, more like this morning.

I was supposed to see him on Thursday but I went babysitting instead.

I've just been really flakey.

I love him so much, so much. I could just eat him up!

--- Too much coffee. Love you all!

I apologize for my whiney emo angstiness. I'm just really obnoxious sometimes. And it's my birthday tomorrow -- and I'll probably be alone.

Angst, angst, angst. Jack said he wouldn't allow me to spend my birthday alone.

I can't believe he cares about me so much and that we have all this in common.

Goodnight, be merry,

May. 23rd, 2008

(no subject)

So, how does a female in our society which advocates double standards become sexually assertive and sexually at ease? Sexually confident?

I'm serious about this question. It is important for me to know.

May. 14th, 2008

Photo Entry

I was taking pictures the other day. LOL! Heavenly narcissism.

I was playing with my troll. I was having a very droll serious day and this was a good way to top it off.

On a rather serious side note, I have been thinking of doing Nursing along with Physical Therapy because many of the requirements overlap. I have been feeling amibitious about this.

I met with the course counselor today and she said I have a year and a half left to graduate.

I am really driven to graduate. I would feel so good to have my degree.
Before, I was really aimless and I had no idea what the hell to occupy myself with or what to do and I just feel safe and secure now.

In the medical field. Hahah, weird. So practical. So utterly practical. Is it me? We will just have to find out.

Errrrr. On another side note, today I was the first person to finish a math exam. I felt so wired that I finished this thirty question exam in about 45 minutes and walked out the door -- as if it were a race. Relaxation somehow is a not a pleasant idea for me, I feel the need to keep moving, pace, be hyperactive, not stop -- constantly feed upon my searching urge to create or do or figure something out or embark on something. I almost dislike it when that happens in class because I suddenly feel my mind race and I feel as if I will burst -- someone in my English class once mentioned that, "you're bubbling with ideas." I literally will explode, or implode if I don't let them out. We were in this group and I would always take over the group and explicitly lay out my ideas and they all thought I was so bright and I began to become the leader of the group which was cool for me.

Somehow taking pictures takes the edge off my day. I don't smoke weed. I just get off through creativity. "Get off." That sounds perverted but whatever.

People in my class seriously piss me off sometimes. I was willing to tutor some idiots in my math class but they would not even try. I don't like feeling like a work horse.

I've been like the ultimate nerd. The ultimate teacher's pet. It's like what I live for and somehow it excites me. I don't exactly feel one dimensional by pleasing my teachers.

It's like manipulation. Whatever. I enjoy getting good grades and brown nosing authority sometimes.

Hahah. It makes me feel shrewd.

Yeah geeky. I don't know why. I take photographs like everyday. It has nothing to do with vanity.

It just takes the edge off my days. I've been feeling so stiff and the other day I nearly collapsed in the train from exhaustion and not eating.

Just extremely uptight and I feel like I can finally let go and be myself.

My boyfriend!!! Yum yum yum. I'm so lucky! Hahah. Mine mine mine.

I adore his arms!:

I think he's INTJ. Mmmm. INTJ! That's really my favorite type.

May. 6th, 2008

(no subject)

I take offense to things so easily.

Someone called me dumb the other day.

It's such a vague insult.

It's only dumb to dwell on it.

Many people think I'm smart,

so why should it matter if some

bully calls me dumb?

I don't know but I won't take it

next time.


I can be pretty random and the things I do often don't come with explanations as to why I do things.

I feel so defensive. I just want to scream at people, "Damn you fuckers who think I'm dumb." but it would only work against me.


On the bright side, things have been going very well with Jack!!!

He knows that I have insomnia and calls me to read me a chapter of Alice in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass every night.

He's so sweet.

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