I spent time with Jack today in New York City. We went to Wave Hill among other places, including his apartment (which though I turned 22 today I am technically not permitted to go to -- parents' sadistic orders which I work against somehow sadly and secretively which makes me paranoid and uncomfortable but they do not understand how much we like each other).
My parents actively prohibit me from going to houses of members of the opposite sex regardless of whether they are merely friends, or anything more or less. They have a weird brand of cynicism. They view people in an extremely paranoid world view as if they are knife wielding axe murder rapists. Being a tight knit family which isolates and prevents contract with "outsiders," we are totally antisocial. They seem to feel as if I'm some street walking fucking whore who sleeps around with drunken bums who is irresponsible as fuck and needs to be condescendingly be told what to do until I'm so soft, passive, compliant, and subdued I can no longer ask for anything because that would be selfish, indulgent, and greedy in their eyes. Or as if they think they have to beat some sense into me because mine ain't so common.
No! I'm none of the above. I fucking got A's in my major classes and I've been extremely nerdy if anything lately. Studious. Alone. Cautious. Easily Startled. Hypervigilant. Motivated To Succeed Against The Odds Of My Mood.
As a side note, I'm also not allowed to stay out beyond a certain time, or go out beyond a certain time (not when it's dark out, etc). I have a strict curfew, which most people just do not understand. Adult children living with their parents, under their rooftop are undoubtedly restricted. They treat this as a contract. Contractual deal. Come home at this time or we will file a missing person report on your ass or become greatly disappointed with you. Outraged, cry over spilled milk -- it can be fixed, "No, we are angry with you." It really makes me feel more shame than I can possibly pin on one shoulder.
I can't work against their rules, nor compromise with them. It's something that's fixed and stagnant and I can't exactly work against. One more thing is that I have to marry a Jew, which I don't really want anymore but I can't tell my parents otherwise. And another issue is that I do not have my driver's license and I feel sick about this. (sure Einstein didn't either, but I am bereft of the genius needed to compensate for this lack of a mundane ability. The road freaks me out, that is all). But this heavily restrict my independence and it's something I feel greatly insecure about revealing to people. I have my permit but not my license. It's awkward.
I just have been feeling very issuey (not to mention that I have an OCD -- food, numbers) I have been eating less and I feel weird about eating. Numbers I obsess about and fixate on number series, I have no idea why but it's extremely obsessive.
So back to the first tangent, the funny thing is that my family lineage is Persian and Jewish and I'm sure we are generally discriminated against (whether it be active or tacit). People are afraid of us. But we are also afraid of them. I don't know how to explain it but like, when I tell people that my family is from Iran they sort of shudder. I have begun to tell them my parents are from Israel.
People sort of pick up that I have an accent. I'm bilingual (Farsi/English, and a bit of French) so they immediately ask. And "Iran" sounds a bit severe.
I realized today I'm very scarce on friends. Jack is my one friend. My one friend who I can be honest with and see on a regular basis. And boyfriend. Other than people here, who note me regularly (which I genuinely appreciate, I look to your comments with such a sense of awe) it just makes me happy to see people noting with such frequency.
Onto other issue laden tangents, I have been feeling extremely ugly lately. Just like really ugly. Regardless of wearing makeup, regardless of pretty clothes. Ugly. Frumpy. Unattractive and whatever. Feeling this way, is a self-fulfilling prophecy that makes me insecure and far less likely to find friends.
I feel like no one knows me. It's not like I talk to them. When I am talkative people still get the impression that I am quiet (and therefore, weird) and when I try to be friendly (I feel fake, because I can actually be very stern and dour), then when I am open (I am more often open with friends than family, because I don't care as much what they think), when I am happy and bubbly, people still think I'm sad.
Maybe I don't give them the chance to know me. I can be ridiculously self-conscious sometimes. Uptight. Tense. Nervous. High Strung. Not natural.
I hate being "mysterious" and I get pissed off when people think I'm "sad," or "quiet," even though I put off those vibes. It pisses me off that people don't understand me. That sounds really self-indulgent but I just wish they could break into me and figure out these incomprehensible abstractions that lurk beneath me. I'm a freak because I'm extremely private and secretive. My heaps of introversion snowball on one another and builds like lavish, inpenetrable spider webs. I can be warm and sociable but I feel trapped inside myself still.
Regardless, I am still myself. And I have sort of been a disoriented mold of myself. Self-consciousness has taken over my being.